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31 March 2006 @ 12:48 am
 
Title: Some Sort of Ending
Author: sweet_like_choc
Characters: Lilly
Word count: 1824
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I will never, ever own them. Ever.
Summary: Lilly contemplates. No, really.
Spoilers: Season 1
Note: This is for 7sins_7virtues, my word was ‘wrath’. As you may be able to see, I didn’t take the obvious definition, as I had zero good ideas for that. I’m not 100% happy with it but the deadline’s today. So, I hope it’s okay. Feedback would be worshipped (literally). I’ll give a Cliff chained to the bed for the best one :p



wrath (răth, räth)
n.
1. Forceful, often vindictive anger.
2.
a. Punishment or vengeance as a manifestation of anger.
b. Divine retribution for sin.


“Well now you can just watch the tapes on Access Hollywood with the rest of America.”

The worst last words ever. Honestly. Her last words should have been something completely memorable and distinctive, but Aaron could be so selfish. It’s not like he couldn’t have waited ten seconds for her to come up with something better. But nope, that’s what she got stuck with.

Then BAM (capitals required). Death.

-------------------------------



When she was six years old she had been in a ballet class. Ugh. God knows why. Ballet was so pink and cotton and Veronica. But she had done it.

And she had gone on and on about it. She shuddered to remember the pink walls, the posters, the tutus. In the end of year recital she had been given a solo dance, and Celeste had, in what was probably the coolest thing she had ever done, hand sewn a red and pink sparkly outfit. It was completely amazing because it was covered in glitter, so whenever she spun sparkles flew out of it and landed around her. She remembered realising right before she went onstage that if you turned round fast enough everything would blur and all you could see would be sparkling light.

The day of the final performance she wasn’t even nervous, she knew she was going to be great. But she got up on the stage and she could see her mother and her five year old brother (sitting with legs crossed, not even sticking his tongue out to put her off) looking up at her. Her father was nowhere to be seen.

So she screwed up, and quit ballet the next day. It wasn’t for her.

Looking back at it now that was probably the day she decided that loving people was going to get you nowhere. Just plain old disappointment and general suckage. Much better to be the centre of their world.

Her dad probably regretted he never came to that recital.

-------------------------------


Okay, so it wasn’t like she’d thought a huge deal about the afterlife. She and Veronica had once spent an afternoon deciding which dead guy they’d bring back for hot, passionate sex.

(Marlon Brando, duh)

But she had all the images everyone else did. Heaven was all white fluffy clouds, dresses and halos. Um, vomit. How more dull could you get? Hell was fire and eternal damnation et cetera, et cetera. She had pale skin. She would totally burn there. And peeling was just not a good look.

But when the ashtray came crashing down in a stream of red nothingness it wasn’t at all what she expected. Instead of heaven or hell or even the end of consciousness, all that happened was that the world faded around her and nothing was left but darkness.

And silence.

-------------------------------



So it’s not like ballet was a huge loss. After all, when that final recital had ended and she was sitting to the side of the stage she heard sniffling. She could remember as clear as day pulling back the curtain to reveal a little blonde girl who was wearing the costume of the dancers that danced behind her. She was crying.

It wasn’t everyday that people made an impression on Lilly Kane, but when the blonde girl turned round and just declared her reason for crying without thought for embarrassment Lilly found herself sitting down next to her.

“My mum didn’t come to see my dance.”

“Neither did my dad.”

There was a pause after that, and Lilly noticed that the girl was covered in glitter. She realised that when she spun in her routine it must have fallen all over everyone else. She smiled.

“I’m Lilly, and I bet your mum is not as bad as mine. Does she make you practise reading and not let you eat chocolate?”

“No, but my dad does that sort of stuff.”

“God, grown-ups are so dull. Don’t they realise there’s more to life than that?”

The girl sniffed and smiled at her. It was a pretty smile.

“I’m Veronica Mars.”

“Veronica Mars? That’s a weird name. Not nearly as good as mine.”

Veronica looked at her and Lilly looked back and they both had blonde hair and had parents that didn’t care and glitter sparkled everywhere around them and Lilly took Veronica’s hand and whispered close in her ear that they were going to be best friends forever.

And they were.


-------------------------------


She kinda expected the darkness to fade after a little while. God, what an anticlimax. All the shit down on earth about what happened later when the secret was…nothing. No heaven. No hell. Just darkness.

She wandered around for a bit but the darkness stretched out as far as she couldn’t see. She jumped up and down and practiced her pep squad routine. Who knows; maybe someone, somewhere could see her and would be completely impressed by her excellent physique? And, as far as she knew she was still in her kit (how awful, stuck for eternity in green) so she might as well act the part.

She spent a little time wondering who the pep squad would get as their leader now she was dead. She thought for a little longer about what Celeste would dress her in for her funeral. Man, if she ever got to do something cool like haunt somebody, her mother would be at the top of her list.

She sat and she jumped. She sang and she whispered secrets that nobody could her.

I was killed by Aaron Echolls.


She almost imagined that there were voices talking to her. Telling her how awesome she was; how she’d be remembered forever.

But in the end all the darkness seemed to say was pointless.

Who was he?

-------------------------------


Lilly joined pep squad when she was thirteen to impress Logan Echolls. She quit a year later to prove that his opinion meant nothing to her, and then rejoined the year after that because his opinion really did mean nothing to her. But that was a different story.

Still she joined when she was thirteen to prove a point.

“You think Veronica’s pretty, don’t you.”

The blush that graced Logan’s cheeks was bright and inside Lilly giggled to herself. Boys were so easy.

“She likes Duncan. She likes boys who tell her she’s pretty, and who don’t get into fights.” Lilly laughed. “I can tell you one thing Echolls; Veronica Mars will never like you.”

The blush in his cheeks turned to a flush of indignation. “She hangs out with me all the time.”

They were sitting on Lilly’s bed and she inched closer to lay a hand on his arm and whisper in his ear, “Veronica hangs out with you because I hang out with you. She’s a sheep.”

“She’s your best friend.”

“It doesn’t mean it’s not true.” She leaned back and looked at him. He really didn’t believe her. “I’ll tell you what. You give me something to do. I’ll join some club at school and I bet you Veronica will join too.”

“Fine, drop out of soccer and join pep squad. Veronica loves soccer, she’ll never drop it.”

Lilly only looked at him and laughed. He was so innocent. He really did need an older woman’s touch. She bounced off the bed and headed towards the door, only turning back briefly when he flung a question at her.

“Lilly, why are you doing this?”

She shrugged. “You like Veronica. I like you. And clichés be damned; I always get what I want.”

The next day both she and Veronica joined the pep squad.


-------------------------------


It was hard to live in darkness. She wouldn’t exactly call herself vain, but she liked people to think that she looked good. Oh forget it, like she ever looked less than good. She liked to look goodlordimaydiejustbylookingatyou stunning. And while she obviously still did, it wasn’t so fun when there was nobody to appreciate it.

She wondered if she was still herself. Deep as it may sound, the endless blackness ate away at her spirit, her soul, and she thought that maybe, she wasn’t sure how she could survive it much longer.

Except she was dead, so there was nowhere to go.

And there was no sense of time, but somewhere along the way she realised that perhaps she was in hell.

-------------------------------


By the time she was fifteen Lilly had done it on her bed, Logan’s bed, Weevil’s bed, in a car, a pool, a cupboard, an elevator, the school supply closet and her parent’s room. She was bored.

She liked Logan; hell, once upon a time if he had been a lesser version of himself and she had been a better version of herself, she might have said she loved him. But she was Lilly Kane and she didn’t love.

And maybe she should have felt bad when Logan’s dad looked at her like she was something special and she didn’t look away.

And maybe she should have apologised as she smiled and danced her way over to him.

And maybe she should have just turned away when he leaned in close and told her she was fucking sexy.

And maybe she should have cried for what she had become when Aaron bit into her shoulder and she came on Logan’s bed with his father hovering above her.

Maybe.


-------------------------------


There was no end. There was seconds, minutes, years, decades of the black. She didn’t do regret, but occasionally she wished.

There were lots of things in her head. Most of them crap of course; but sometimes she had flashes of her father, Duncan, Logan, Aaron, Weevil, Veronica. She wondered if in the end she had loved too much, but not enough. Perhaps, and this was possibly the most profound though she had ever had, you could never love enough.

Hell sucked.

-------------------------------


There are moments that stick with you through it all, and Lilly had a chance to see them all in her head. Points of view, perspectives changed, but she was still Lilly, and there would never be an apology.

But on the 1987345th time she thought about her first meeting with Veronica, she couldn’t remember whether it had been she who had caused the glitter to swirl over them all, or Veronica. She couldn’t remember who was the lead; who was the light.

And so she sat in the darkness and for the first time truly regretted. And she hoped. She hoped Veronica was happy, and that someday, somehow she would forgive her.

But then it happened. One moment there was darkness and the next there was light. It was far away, and she might’ve been imagining it and maybe this was the end and maybe this was just the beginning but the light was coming closer and if she squinted it almost looked like a greenish tinted bedroom and she was moving faster and faster and…

There is never a beginning or an end. There is only life.
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mishanemishane on March 31st, 2006 12:27 am (UTC)
Wow. This was really well written and I think perfectly in Lilly character. I especially LOVED the flashbacks. But most of all, perfect Lilly characterization. Great job!
Erin: wallace and ronniemoonlightrick on March 31st, 2006 12:28 am (UTC)
Loved this--so totally Lilly, so totally awesome (well, duh :p). I like that you balanced her characterization--that is, that you neither glossed, nor stuck only to her worst points :D
Mariannainsunshine on March 31st, 2006 03:01 am (UTC)
This was good.

I got stuck with wrath too, and it's funny, I ended with the beginning of the scene that you started with. Only mine was in Aaron's perspective and not Lilly's.

But yeah, this was really good and I especially liked the end.
Rose is Back!: Wallace/Veronica BFFlissa_maylee on March 31st, 2006 03:59 pm (UTC)
Wow! This was amazing! Great job with Lilly's voice, and a unique take on the subject.
Jade: Miss you so muchfickledame on April 5th, 2006 08:12 pm (UTC)
Wow, this was perfect! I love it a lot. Great work!
Jimmy Petstore: lilly fades out but lives onsnoopypez on April 17th, 2006 09:59 am (UTC)
That darkness? The eternal kind? That's exactly what I have always feared it would be like.

This was so wonderful. Perfect Lilly, and though I will never believe Logan liked Veronica way back when, I love every second.
A dreamer dreams, she never dies: To be fair- I am your patronsweet_like_choc on April 17th, 2006 11:44 am (UTC)
Thank you. The eternal darkness is also my idea of hell. That's what gave me the idea for the fic actually, thinking about what Lilly's version of hell would be.

The bit that you mentioned with Logan and Lilly is actually my least favourite bit in the entire thing. At the time of writing it was the only way I could think of to get Lilly to feel like she had betrayed Veronica at some point. If I was going to rewrite it, I think I would get her to seduce Duncan, because Kanecest is always fun and I think it would work much better as a betrayal.

Thanks for reviewing :D